


bullet wounds

by London_The_Loser



Series: superheroes are fuckin traumatized, okay? [1]
Category: Jessica Jones - Fandom, Marvel, The Defenders, daredevil - Fandom
Genre: Angst, BAMF Jessica Jones, Brief mentions of suicide, Catholicism, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jessica Jones got mad, Orphaned, Stick is an asshole, but barely tbh, discussions of trauma, foggy was an idiot but he got better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24673567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London_The_Loser/pseuds/London_The_Loser
Summary: “you don’t understand. and i sure as hell don’t. but i know what it feels like to be scarred by something that isn’t tangible. by something that you cannot prove. scars like ours aren’t called marks of victory, they’re called weaknesses. they leave a gaping hole, even after they’ve sealed over. a memory, yet still a reality. and we can heal over. that hole will close. but goddamnit, nelson. matt’s still bleeding.”
Relationships: Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock
Series: superheroes are fuckin traumatized, okay? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783972
Comments: 6
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> basically my angry rant to foggy that i’m making jessica give. which, is decently in character. foggy got a lot better in the third season, and we stan character development. i’m just mad at the fact that we never got a clear realization at how bad he fucked up. he done fUcKEd uP-

jessica knew plenty about childhood trauma, fuck, trauma in general. she understood what it left you with. like a bullet wound, in and out, entry and exit point. sometimes it was a clean shot, sometimes it was messy. but you’ll never forget the feeling- not just the pain, but a realization that your body had been split open and left with a gaping whole. getting shot is realizing that you’re more vulnerable than you ever wanted to be, and you’ll always have a scar to prove it. 

jessica kept those thoughts in mind as she marched her ass to hogarth’s offices at 6am on a wednesday. she had spent 4 hours, hands clasped tightly in front of her in matt’s apartment, eyes trained on the man in question, before giving up at keeping her anger checked. she didn’t want to leave with no explanation, so she made sure to leave a text and tell matt that she would be back later today to “make sure he didn’t drown in his own self pity”.

the devil of hell’s kitchen looked less devilish under the shifting lights of this weeks chinese restaurant ad, melting into the fabric like he hadn’t slept properly in weeks (jessica knew for a fact that he hadn’t). some assholes liked to say that scars contributed to a threatening demeanor, but in this situation, the foot long, centimeter thick scars that cut cleanly across his body in 5 or so spots only made him look sad.

she had shown up to his apartment that night in search for legal advice, but abandoned that mission as soon as she saw how absolutely fucking wasted murdock was. in the past, the man had made a point to avoid drinking much with others. jessica got that, to a degree. being drunk meant being vulnerable. so she turned towards the door, feeling shitty about invading matt’s moment in the first place, but was interrupted by the softest and goddamn _saddest_ little “stay... please?” 

so here she was, absolutely fuming, with matt’s entire life story echoing in bits and pieces through her mind. now, jessica didn’t pity people. she hated the idea of pity, of what pity meant. jessica didn’t pity people, but she _cared_ about them. matt had her back, had done things that she hadn’t wanted nor expected of him, yet were still incredibly helpful things. but more than that? matt was generally a good guy. he was funny in a way that she could laugh to, and kind in a way that she could learn from.

she had seen how hard he tried to cover his soft tendencies with darkness and collected comments, but there were moments when she noticed the front slip away. the man was caring, loyal, and goddamnit was he set on giving up his comfort for the happiness of others. the events at midland had been pushed to the very depths of the others minds, their unwillingness the acknowledge the things they experience that week was tangible. yet jessica would always remember the fact that behind his fake indifference, matt fell into a protective nature far faster than the others. his wavering “i’m glad we met” before they descended into the pit that would eventually swallow matt alive had repeated in jessica’s head for months until news of daredevil’s return hit the streets. 

and obviously, jessica had been pissed at murdock, at the fact that he let them mourn for months without a single word. but jessica was a P.I. for a reason. matthew murdock was different when he finally reunited with the rest of them. his hands twitched, he shifted in his sleep, he spaces out and even stopped attempting to look towards the people who were talking to him as often. her slight annoyance quickly fell away the first time she watched him thrash awake, hands scratching at his ears and around his eyes, stumbling out of bed and catching himself on objects around the room. jessica realized that yes, he was having a panic attack, but _no,_ it wasn’t a normal one. like most panic attacks went, he struggled to breathe. but he also couldn’t _hear,_ couldn’t smell. it took 15 minutes of jessica tracing words onto the back of his hand for him to calm down and let sound filter into his world, and at least another 25 for him to finally mutter an explanation. 

“the building fell, and i woke up at saint agnes. my senses were shot. it messed me up. sometimes- sometimes i wonder if one of these days... they won’t come back. i’ll just- be blind and deft and i’ll never be able to make a difference again, as daredevil or as matthew.” 

they hung out more after that. matt would help her with alias investigations any time she needed legal advice or a lawyer, and daredevil helped the business when anything sketchy happened to be uncovered. even though matt had already learned about her past with kilgrave, she ended up sharing more. as strange as it was, she trusted matt. they were close. yet it wasn’t until last night that matt spoke a word about his past. like matt, jessica had known enough about his past to understand that it left a certain emotional mark. but _fuck._

she let him talk for hours, and in those hours, jessica realized that where she once thought matt’s past would be completely unlike hers, it wasn’t. jessica had thought that except for kilgrave victims, nobody would understand the feeling. but then matt was ranting on about how fucking used he felt, how used he continued to feel as the days went on. how every time he went out to help people, he remembered how it all started. how daredevil started as an accessory for war, a weapon and nothing else. a pawn in stick’s game, a kid that was broken enough to mold into a shape that would fit the man’s needs.

he talked and talked and talked, talked about his mom and how she abandoned him because he was sinful and she didn’t want him, about his dad and how he died to make him proud, about stick and how he walked away because he got attached, about elektra and how she left him for being _weak._ and about _foggy,_ who told him that he was selfish, and wrong, and violent. unfaithful, untrustworthy. then he moved on with a quick little “he came back though. not the same, and our friendship wasn’t strong. that’s how our firm fell apart, y’know. i still don’t think he trusts me. i still feel bad... for, y’know, disappointing him and all that”. 

matt confessed that he was constantly afraid. that certain moments in his childhood always played through his head, repetitive and drilling. 

“one time, i- i remember that i could feel the bone in my arm... it was broken. i have always hated the sound of the fucking edges grinding against each other. but yeah, my arm was broken, we’d been training for hours. stick had told me to get up, and his... his hand was out, like he was offering it to grab a hold of. he never did that. so i- i wanted to show him that i didn’t need his stupid fucking help. i wasn’t _weak._ i stood up without him and he grinned. because it was a test. i wasn’t supposed to accept his help, and if i did i would have failed” 

“my dad always told me that murdock’s knew how to take a beating. that sometimes, losing was winning as long as we could prove that we could get back up. when i first started- i think i wanted it to just be about... helping. and obviously, i still want to help and all. but there were weeks on end where things were- hard. i heard foggy talk about his therapy sessions, about ‘coping mechanisms’ and ‘self worth issues’. karen still talks about healthy ways to get over guilt. i never knew how to do that. so i’d go out and i’d prove to myself that i wasn’t weak. that i wasn’t worthless or some shit. that i could get the hell back up, because if i can stand on my two feet with broken ribs and stab wounds, i can get stand on my two feet after hearing someone call me a cripple from across a starbucks.” 

“i know, logically, that whatever stick was doing was... it wasn’t healthy. not for a kid. sometimes the thought makes me gag over... something. this dirty feeling, like i’m ungrateful for where it’s gotten me. but i was attached. i was convinced that he was the one person that cared, because he was _helping_ me, not using me. that’s why it... it hurt. when he left. it always hurts when they leave. i gave him this stupid fucking bracelet i made because i was a _child_ , and he left because... because i wasn’t supposed to care. caring was a weakness for others to use against me, and a weapon cannot be broken.”

”every time someone walks away, it’s because of me. not the usual ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ shit from them. no. it’s always just me. i wasn’t meant to exist, and maggie left because she knew it. my dad felt like he wasn’t enough for me, and he tried to make it right.” matt laughed for a minute. “it’s stupid. i’m kinda mad at him. i was already proud of him, but he didn’t think it was enough. he was _gone,_ he’s still gone, because he thought that winning would make me feel better about it all. that was supposed to be what i remembered about battlin jack, that was what i was supposed to look up to. the man that died because of his pride. the man that left his son because he needed the kid to know that he could win. maybe that’s really who i am.

”but apparently not, because then elektra and stick came along. i didn’t win then. but now... now all i think about when i meet someone is the same thing. don’t get close, they’ll leave. don’t get close, they’ll end up dead. don’t be weak, they’ll leave. don’t be weak, they’ll end up dead. daredevil is just to win my fucking pissing contests. he’s selfish and distant, doesn’t give a shit about anyone. when my mask is on, i can pretend that i don’t care about anything. that i’m the perfect weapon. matt murdock is disappointing. like always.”

stick was dead, so jessica couldn’t kill him. elektra was dead, so jessica couldn’t kill her. matt had already explained everything that maggie did for him, so the most jessica could do was give her a firm lecture. but foggy? ha. fuck, might as well start planning his funeral. because what matt said about foggy was probably the shittiest and most heart wrenching thing coming from one jessica’s best friends, the one that rarely allows himself to be vulnerable. the one that was crying when foggy _walked out of his fucking apartment._

“i still... i still wonder think about what foggy said. after stick left, i told myself it wouldn’t happen again. i told myself i wouldn’t get close to- to anyone. but foggy... i just gravitated towards him. he pulled me in and i couldn’t stop the rush of elation that was... addicting for someone as fuckin sad and lonely as me.-“ who said that matthew was allowed to talk so coherently while drunk? “-i told myself throughout our friendship that... i couldn’t disappoint. but what foggy found disappointing and what i had been told was disappointing was... so opposite that it left me flying blind (ha).

“every time he offered his arm to hold i wanted to tell him that i was _fine on my own._ that i was strong or whatever. but i was so... confused by what i was _supposed_ to do that every time i would just. keep my mouth shut. always. i lied because foggy didn’t need whatever weapon stick created. daredevil was a disappointment to matt, and matt was a disappointment to daredevil. it swept up a ridiculous amount of self hate. but foggy hated daredevil too. enough that he left. which was also weird because... matt murdock just- isn’t daredevil. at least i try... i try to keep them separate. so that matt isn’t a tool and daredevil isn’t weak. but things got harder, and i didn’t have foggy to help ground me. i swept daredevil under the rug, but all that did was make him bleed more and more into matt, every day. _matt_ wanted violence, _matt_ wanted to fight.

“then i found you guys, tried to keep everything in check. but at that point, it was so fucking hard to keep them separate. apparently my identity struggle just ended with my getting smashed by an entire sky scraper. i woke up, and decided i didn’t want to be two people anymore. but that meant that i couldn’t really be either, so i had to pick one. i ended up choosing daredevil, because... well i don’t even know. maybe it was stick, or maybe it was elektra, but that’s what happened. i tried to throw away matt, leave him dead under midland. didn’t work. now i’m here. fun story, isn’t it?” 

so yeah, back to the present. 6am. wednesday morning. finally at the front of hogarth’s firm. she tried to cool off so she wasn’t very literally stomping up to reception, and she maybe accomplished that by a bit. she was still pretty stompy when she got to the front desk. 

“hi, can i see franklin nelson?” her words her passive but her tone was most likely anything but. 

“oh, he’s always a bit busy for the first couple hours, can i ask you to come la-“

”nope. you can’t ask me to come later. where is his office? don’t worry, we have a mutual friend.” she flashed her most shit eating grin at the poor girl, making sure to be as passive aggressive as possible. 

“um... right- yes, of course. i just need to tell him that... what’s your name?”

”no need for that, just tell him that a friend of matt wants to talk for a bit. that should work.”

”okay... um.” the girl’s gaze shifted back and forth uncomfortably, before finally just picking up the phone and speaking into it. “hello, mr. nelson? i hope you aren’t too busy, but there is someone here to see you. yes, i know what you’ve said, but she insisted. mhm. she didn’t give me a name but she told me to mention that she was a friend of matt’s- okay. thanks, i’ll send her right up, mr. nelson.” 

“cool. so just point me in the direction or whatever.”

”of course- the third floor, on the right of the elevator door. down that hall. his door will have his name on it-“

”cool. bye!”

she had forgotten to cool her stomping when she stomped over to the elevator, but it was already too late and she really didn’t care. it didn’t take long to reach franklin’s door, but she still used the entire way to plan the best opening statement. when she got there, she didn’t really bother knocking. idiots didn’t deserve the courtesy of warning, and jessica sure as hell didn’t want to give the slimy shit enough time to collect himself. he was a goddamn lawyer, and jess was not going to win an argument with a well put together lawyer. so she just swung the door open, careful not to throw it off it’s hinges. she might have heard it groan a bit, but whatever.

nelson looked in her direction. “well i’d at least expect a knock or- oh. jessica” with his recognition, nelson quickly sat up a bit straighter. “what can i do for you?” 

rolling her eyes, jess crossed her arms and kicked the door shut behind her. “no, dipshit. i’m not here for a fucking favor. i’m here for an apology, and i’m here to enlighten you’re idiot self.” not exactly graceful, but it would have to do. 

“i’m- i’m sorry what?”

”you’re an asshole.” jessica didn’t know what to do with herself and her energy, so she just ended up pacing the short length of the office. “a fucking asshole. do you know anything about matty?” she ignored the way franklin’s eyes widened a bit at the nickname. he obviously hadn’t realized that jessica and matt were close. “obviously you don’t. do you understand what being _left_ feels like to someone who’s been left their entire life? no. you don’t. and you don’t understand that every _waking moment,_ every _sleepless night,_ matt is _terrified_ of _you_ leaving him-“

”woah, woah, woah. slow down. what? i’d never leave matt-“

”well thats fucking _bullshit._ ”

”no, it’s not! i would _never_ leave him-“

”yeah, but you _did._ you did leave him. you left him to cry on his couch after fighting a fucking ninja, with like 50 stitches! why, because you were _worried?_ worried that daredevil would get him killed? please, tell me you arent stupid enough to convince yourself that’s why you left him there. that’s what he’s convinced himself. do you know how frustrating it is to watch someone you care about blame themselves for being stabbed _right_ where the trauma is?”

franklin seems to be rendered speechless, because when jessica finally stops pacing in the center of the room, arms crossed and waiting, he looks like a floundering fish. 

“i- i’m sorry... what? of course i- i was _mad!_ he just told me that throughout our _entire_ friendship he was _lying._ all the times i led him through crowded spaces, all the times i lied and he just _knew it,_ he was lying! and besides, we’ve already made up! the three of us are already looking for a building to start a firm, and we-“

“oh _tough shit,_ franklin! your best friend was lying about hearing heartbeats, arent you _so_ betrayed that you have to hold his hand across the street? the fact that you walked out on matt because of something he still _hates_ about himself is _nothing_ compared to the fact that he pretended he didn’t realize you were lying about jerking off or some stupid shit.” 

franklin was still floundering. it would be hilarious to watch, if jessica wasn’t completely and utterly pissed off at this douche bag. “matt doesn’t- matt doesn't hate himself for being daredevil. that’s such a bullshit accusation! he’s so fucking self righteous, shit like ‘i’m the only one to protect the city’ and ‘i need to do this for my friends’ because _apparently_ we are _incapable_ of looking after ourselves-“

“daredevil was _beaten_ into him. daredevil was kicked and poked and prodded and abandoned and thrown around until that was all matthew thought he _needed._ you’re mad that you couldn’t change years of that? couldn’t change years of loneliness? are you mad at _matt_ for being unable to act like he hasn’t been abused his _entire life?_ daredevil comes out every night because that’s what 10 year olds matthew murdock was told he was created to be. you should be grateful that there even _is_ a matthew left. that he worked _so hard_ is college to ignore the part of him that was _burned_ into him after hours of getting hit around by a grown ass man.”

”you have to understand that i felt like i couldn’t _trust him-_ “ 

“dont fucking talk to me about trust when it took how long for matt to even except a hand on his shoulder?” franklin visibly stiffened at that. jessica had shot blind at that comment, but apparently it was pretty damn accurate. “don’t talk to me about trust when he is still constantly paranoid that _everyone_ is about to walk away. do you know that feeling? do you understand what it feels like to hear voices in your head, telling you that you’re getting too close to people, that you’re weak, that you’re pathetic for even wanting happiness.” 

jessica remembered one comment that she sure as hell knew would never come out of matt if he was sober. not a single chance. “i would see them... fisk. my dad. sometimes it was the others, karen and foggy. father lampton. it was always the same. shit like... i don’t know. how i’m weak. what i’m supposed to do to be strong. pathetic for not being able to kill someone, sinful for wanting to at all. ‘how can you kill someone... when you can’t even kill yourself’” he didn’t elaborate on that one sentence, but he didn’t need to. it hurt enough as it is. it was personal. something that jessica didn’t deserve to hear from someone who’s trust needed to be earned with careful delicacy. which was why she felt shitty for sharing it, but it needed to be said. 

“you don’t know what it feels like to feel pathetic for wanting anything at all, for being unable to _kill._ he said- he said that there was one thought. one that would always stay with him, would always fucking scare him. ‘how can you kill someone when you can’t even kill yourself?” nelson inhaled sharply, his head snapping back up from where it had been bowed. “you don’t understand. and i sure as hell don’t. but i know what it feels like to be scarred by something that isn’t tangible. by something that you cannot prove. scars like ours aren’t called marks of victory, they’re called weaknesses. they leave the feeling of a gaping hole, even after they’ve sealed over. a memory, yet still a reality. and we _can_ heal over. that hole will close. but goddamnit, nelson. matt’s still bleeding.” 

with that, feeling satisfaction yet a grim sense of reality, jessica walked out of nelson’s office and back downstairs. she quickly did a mental scan of the thai resturaunts menu before remembering matt’s favorites, then headed in that direction. matt would probably be embarrassed enough to think some stupid shit, and jessica had been there enough to know how to talk him down from whatever self loathing rampage he would be going on about.


	2. Chapter 2

as jessica expected, matthew was thoroughly mortified. and honestly? jess was having none of that.

“fuck- _fuck._ why didn’t you- god you should have just _left me there-_ “

”i was going to, but then you were whining like a sad puppy and i decided to take pity in you.”

”bullshit. you don’t pity people.”

huh. maybe this was why she was so close with matt. he understood her, more than any of her friends. they had a lot of similar tendencies. they pushed people away and lied, manipulated because they needed the control of it all. it wasn’t their strong suit. matt was still learning that he didn’t have the right to decide whether someone needed him or not, therefor he didn’t get to make the call and leave. he learned that slowly, and maybe the turning point was jessica reminding him that that was what everyone else in his life had done. decided for him. took away his control. 

“look, i’m sorry. is it so bad that i care about you? i didn’t want you to be alone.” and honestly that was not something matt should have rolled his eyes at, but here we are. 

“oh my _god._ jessica i was _drunk._ i wouldn’t have even remembered being alone-“

”that’s a fucking lie. you remember almost everything from last night. so yeah, dick. you would have remembered the feeling was me, walking out the _fucking door,_ even when you asked me not to.”

”and i would have been grateful! because then you wouldn’t have _seen_ me like that. i would feel so much better than i do now if i knew that i didn’t just let myself pour out my heart and soul to you!” 

“would _you_ feel better? or would daredevil.”

matt’s fists tightened, fingers tangled in the blanket that jess had flung over him before she left. the bruise that sat on his cheekbone looked about a week old, but the knick on his shoulder looked fresh. he’d gone out recently, that was for sure. aside from open wounds, murdock looked anything but a healthy, stable man (which should be expected for an orphaned blind kid who was trained by an abusive ninja and fucked over by his ninja girlfriend with psychotic tendencies. hindsight 20/20). his fridge was empty aside from beer and like, two shriveled carrots, which of course reflected back to his just-barely-poking-through-ribs. eye bags, cut knuckles, fading bruises, ribs, messy hair, and red eyes? the bitch looked like a drug addict to anyone who doesn’t know better. 

“i don’t know what exactly i said last night, but i- i’m. i’m me. there is no ‘daredevil vs matt’ bullshit. and i don’t _like_ being... on display. it’s uncomfortable. it’s gross. and i- don’t need help-“

jessica scoffed. “for fucks sake. yes you do. you don’t need a charity case and you don’t fucking need a support group unless you want it, but you need what everyone else does. affection. understanding. an outlet.”

”i _have_ an outlet-“

” _you_ have an excuse to get beaten up every night because you convince yourself that pain proves you’re worth something. i’d be surprised that you aren’t slitting your own wrists if i knew you didn’t need to. all it takes is one second in a fight, one second where you feel like you’re done dealing with that shit. all you gotta do out there is drop your fists, and suddenly you’re gone.”

matt curled inward slightly, because jessica knew its happened before. she knew when matt let it slip- when he shared his... urges. she knew that matt isn’t the type to go down because of himself. it’s too close to murder, and matt didn’t kill people. even himself. of course the little shit would make someone else do it for him. one shot, one knife, one hit across the head, one shove off a roof and damn. now it’s homicide instead of suicide. the police will never know that it was him that laid down his guard, his friends would never understand that he wanted it. even in death, matt would be too fucking proud to admit that he didn’t want the life that god gave him. 

“you’re a hypocrite. you’re talking to me like you haven’t wanted to die, too.”

”low blow, asshole. this isn’t about me. this is about the man who refuses to admit he has a problem! you don’t see me refusing to admit that i’m a rape victim. that i have trauma. i’m past that shit. i’m past denying that i have ptsd and i’m past looking at my flashbacks like they’re my weaknesses. i used to think that those were- that those were actually him. that i let myself be affected so much that he was still _there._ but shit, matt. i know now. but you don’t.”

”i’m not the victim of jack shit. everything that happened, was either an accident or because of me. i don’t know what you think stick was, but i already know hes an asshole. that isn’t denial. i know that he was selfish-“

”this isn’t about him, either. it’s about what he did to _you._ statements like ‘he fucking sucked’ don’t admit a damn thing. he _hurt you-_ “

”and maybe that’s a good thing!”

”you act like you aren't in denial, but you’re still thanking him, for fucks sake!” 

matt was on his feet now, blanket thrown to the floor. “because that’s how i’m _here._ that’s how i’m saving people! that’s how i learned how to fight and defend myself. i have no fucking right to act like a victim, when people die because of their bullshit, and all stick did was make me-“

”don’t you _dare_ say stronger, murdock.”

”no you don’t _understand-_ “

”don’t i? don’t i understand, matthew? didn’t it take kilgrave _raping me_ and _using me_ and _controlling me_ to push me towards helping other people? to push me towards fucking killing him? didn’t i get these stupid fucking _powers_ because my parents died in a goddamn car crash?” they were both breathing heavy, tense in the center of the room. “matt... you’re here- you’re here because of _you._ what stick did was _wrong,_ and all it did was make your life harder. _you_ were the one to make that abuse positive. you were the one to help people instead of go batshit with vengeance and murder everyone. don’t give that _douchebag_ credit for the battles that you won. you didn’t have a choice, what he did to you. but when you did, you took it and you used it for good. every shitty thing that’s happened to you could have led you to bad shit, but you were the one to get yourself to the good side of life. don’t bullshit me, murdock.” 

and of course, because life just really wanted jessica to be the emotionally sound person in this friendship, matt was crying. it was strange, actually. his face was frustrated, angry and defiant in some stupid arrogant piss-off kinda way, yet there were fat tears sliding down his cheek. his chest rose and fell heavily, hands balled into tight fists by his thighs. his body was strung tight, like a rubber band about to snap, judging by the way he swayed on his feat slightly.

jessica saw it coming, but she still startled slightly when he tipped forward a bit, food sliding out to catch himself a bit to late to be affective. so there was jessica, darting towards him and hissing slightly when the bridge of his nose bumped a bit aggressively against her collar bone. he was shaking, shoulders jerking at an uneven rate, one that implied the effort of choking back tears. 

“hey matty? stop being an idiot, and fucking cry already. i am confident in my statement when i say that you probably haven’t cried in... too long.”

apparently he didn’t need much prompting, because his hands were sliding up and around her waist, his nose digging deeper into her scarf. his shoulders shook would the force of his sobs, and he stumbled slightly when she led them back to the couch. 

“i’m- i- i don’t know why it’s so hard to ignore what he- what he made me. i tried so hard to keep myself into- into two separate things because- because i could be disa-disappointing- but i’m- i’m still- ow _fuck._ ” matt pulled back slightly with a betrayed face, one of his hands unwinding from her waist to rub at the back of his head where she flicked him.

”sorry, you were wrong so i wanted to shut you up. nobody is disappointed in you, and if they were, then they’re wrong too. in fact, i’m- jesus fuck this is so cheesy. why do i have to be the one with good emotional advice- i’m- i’m really proud of you, deedee. the list of shit that should logically be affecting your functionality as a human vs the list of shit that you let affect your functionality as a human is... stupid. you’re so fucking strong. now that doesn’t mean that the things that you are... uncomfortable with should be called weak. it doesn’t. and honestly, don’t expect me to believe that you dislike small spaces because you ‘can smell people’s breath too much’ because every time i have to watch everyone laugh it off and drag you into an elevator with them and it’s fucking painful to witness, you dumb shit. just tell them that a building fell on top of your ass or that you got locked in a box because maybe then they’ll shut up band listen.” 

matt has the audacity to giggle against her scarf, before muttering something into the same place. 

“what was that?”

”oh- um... i’m sorry for getting your scarf dirty.”

”thats- _that’s what you choose to say?_ ”


End file.
